Epic Dream

Yes, epic. Epic is a word that is often used not according to its dictionary definition, but meaning "cool" or "sweet". In this case, it's a mixture of a heroic tale and some cool and sweet moments.


I had this dream last night - woke up - and retold it to myself in the shower, just so I wouldn't forget the story. I did a pretty good job, though I'm sure there were more details than I was able to hold onto.


Please do enjoy:


Julia (my roommate and fellow ABBA cover band member) and I were hanging out, talking about Jimmy Fallon and how dreamy he is, and Brian Williams (or Bri-Why, as Jimmy calls him) overheard us. He told us that I should get on Jimmy's show, and then take a phone call from him (Bri-Why) in the middle of the interview, and that then he would tell a joke and it would be hilarious. Like, we'd be punking Jimmy Fallon! It doesn't make much sense, but it was perfectly logical at the time (of course - that's how all my dreams are). We told him that we couldn't afford to fly to New York for a day, oh, and how exactly were we supposed to convince Jimmy that I was an acceptable guest? Just in the past two weeks he's had on Alec Baldwin, Ziggy Marley, Edie Falco, Tina Fey, Whoopie Goldberg, Aretha Franklin, and Elmo. ELMO!! I don't think a 21 year old BYU student is going to bring in the ratings. Bri-Wi assured us that he could work some NBC black magic and get me on, and that he would pay for flights for Julia and me. So we got to New York and Bri-Why had set up a chance for me with Jimmy. I just had to "act funny." Oh great, no pressure there, right? So I'm hanging out with him at some restaurant or bar, and I made a really terrible pun. I've tried with all my brain muscles to remember what the pun was, but I just can't. I just remember it had something to do with milk, because after Jimmy stopped sincerely chuckling (what a compliment! Even dream Melissa knew that that was a milestone in my comedy career) I was trying to be all cool and I said,


"Yeah, just call me 'Milk Girl!' That'll, like, be my THING!"

What? Oh gosh. The cheesiness factor is shooting through the roof, here. But that must be what he looks for in women I MEAN guests, because he booked me on the show! My dream took place today, Thursday, so Julia and I must have been hanging out with Brian WIlliams in the wee hours of the morning because I was in the show that was taped in NY at 10:00 a.m. NEW YORK TIME. Once again, it doesn't make any sense, I know. But nevertheless I was on the show! I wore a very little dress and tried to act classy and like this was no big deal for me. Just another day in my terribly exciting life. I leaned in on the desk and was a bit flirtay with Mr. Fallon. Inappropriate, I know. He's married, I KNOW. But I couldn't help it!! He was just too much for me.

Look - I'm tanner than Selena Gomez!

I don't remember if the punk'd moment ever went down. If not, I'm sorry, Brian Williams - I owe you $800. But all of the sudden we (Jimmy and his crew, Julia, and me) were all in the parking garage/lot at my condo complex in Provo. The garage is below the building, and then there's a little parking lot that kindof slants up on the sides. Apparently dream Melissa decided this must have been an arena of some sort. It started out as a Transformers fight. Everyone got their car and turned it into a Transformer (because that's totally a thing that all cars can do, didn't you know?) and then they fight! Punching, spinning, crunching - it was good, clean fun. Of COURSE Jimmy won because he could afford a stretch-hummer! My baby Subaru Outback fought like a champ, though. The best part about these transformer fights? After you were done with the fight, you could just transform them back into car form, and it would be as good as new! No dings, no scratches, no missing doors. It was sortof like how in Animorphs, you could morph back into your human self and not have any of the damage that was done to your bear/osprey/gorilla/wolf/tiger self, you know? No? No one else remembers reading those books? Fine.

So we were having a jolly time with our Transformer fights, and then all of the sudden we realized that all of the other car owners were zombies. Yup - so we went into survival mode. Jimmy was surprisingly great, and quite the protector. I always assumed he was kindof a pansy... at least based on how he handles weird animals (<--- please PLEASE do click on that hyperlink - it's hilarious. I've seen it like 12 times and it still makes me crack up). Anyway, Jimmy destroyed the zombies and saved the day. Then he was ready to go pool-hopping in Provo with his wife (because that's what I would want to do if I were Jimmy Fallon). We exchanged polite cheek air kisses (you know what I'm talking about, but I don't know the actual word for them) and he went on his merry way. Eventually I realized that I had missed my O-Chem recitation - oh no! - but I quickly decided it had been worth it.

I woke up feeling so pleased with myself that I had managed to stay so chill throughout the whole experience. I am so cool.

I guess the moral of the story is that if you ever need someone to tell you a milk-related pun, it's like, my THING.