Extreme Cake Disaster: Melissa Edition

I like to think of myself as a fairly proficient baker. I like baking. I bake a lot. One time, called, "For My Birthday" I made 430 cookies:

(Pictured: less than half of 430 cookies)

THEREFORE - when I found a recipe for CINNAMON ROLL CAKE online today - I knew I wanted to make it, and I thought it would be easy-peasy.

Step 0 - prepare the pan: line jellyroll pan with parchment paper and lightly spray with cooking spray. What? Parchment paper? Stupid. And unnecessary. There is nothing that parchment paper can do that Pam alone can't.

Step 1 - beat together cream cheese, sugar, and cinnamon until smooth, then beat in an egg and spread into a jellyroll pan. Done. It was easy-peasy. I am such a master.

Step 2 - beat 3 eggs until fluffy. With my beautiful Kitchen Aid hand mixer, this step was simple, and only took about two minutes.

Step 3 - gradually add sugar and beat until stiffened. Okay, done. Again, my hand mixer is a beauty.

Step 4 - add dry ingredients and mix until just combined. *Yawning* This is SO not challenging for an olympic gold medalist like me.

Step 4 - add 1/3 cup water and 1 1/2 tsp vanilla. Okay - add 1 1/3 cups water and 1 1/2 tsp vanilla. Mix. Hmmm... this seems pretty watery, even for a cake batter. Re-read recipe. &*%^. That would explain THAT.

START OVER.

Repeat steps 1-4 like a champ. Smooth sailing McGee (<--- Not a phrase)

Step 5 - pour batter over cinnamon mixture and bake until cake bounces back. Yep - I could do this in my sleep.

Step 6 - invert cake onto cookie sheet. Trying, trying, trying. Phlump. Okay perhaps in this ONE scenario, parchment paper would have been helpful.

Step 6.5 - repair the crumbly mess and attempt to give it some semblance of a cake shape.

Step 7 - cut into 5 strips and roll up into a tight roll. Everything is going fine... hmm... this is very tall and not very wide.

Step 7.5 - realize that you should have cut the five strips lengthwise instead of vertically. (yes, this requires an entire half-step - my ego was very bruised at this point, okay??)

Step 8 - make the glaze - stir together 1 cup powdered sugar with 4-5 tsp milk and 1 1/2 tsp vanilla. Okay mix in 4-5 tablespoons of milk. Again, watery. Check recipe... Aw crap. Add a ton more powdered sugar and hope that it can be remedied. Still pretty wet - that's okay because we're just going to drizzle.

Step 9 - drizzle. Watch all the "glaze" get soaked up into the cake because it is 90% milk.

Step 10 - let the wave of shame wash over you. Feel as though you're being baptized into the Church of Horrible Bakers

Ha - just kidding. I didn't feel THAT bad about it. In fact, I just called my ma and we laughed about it, and realized that maybe I haven't learned as much about baking as I thought I had in my 21 years.

The worst part about the whole experience? The cake didn't even taste good. I'm not actually blaming that part on me, though. It was a weirdy sponge cake, and who likes those? No one. It was like a glorified Little Debbie Cake that had been sitting on the dusty shelf at a dimly lit grocery store for four and a half years. And when I say "glorified" I mean "slightly worse than."

So there you have it. Lessons learned?

Don't try to read a recipe once and then just go for it without referring back. 

Once you've committed the above mistake, don't repeat it. 

Just because it looks good in the picture doesn't mean it will taste good 

Just because you think you're a good baker (bakess? bakeress?) doesn't mean you are.

For your viewing pleasure:

How the cake should have turned out:

How mine turned out:

YUM!

I suppose the note I left for my roommates says it all, "You are all welcome to have some of this cake, however, it doesn't taste good. Consider yourself warned."